So I woke up this morning with an unexpected message from a casting agent. Essentially wanting to put in me forward for a role where they needed a chubby girl. Now, I don't think I would be considered chubby by any standard. Correct me if I'm wrong. I have always been athletic so I've never had the most slender shoulders, legs or arms. But frankly, that's what I love. I love being able to run, jump and climb. Haul things heavier than me. Push my physical limits.
I was always hyper aware of my body growing up. Particularly because I always felt like the runt of the family. I was too dark. Too short. The tip of my nose was too fat. I was unladylike because I always had bruises and cuts on my legs. As a result, it took me a very long time to fully accept my body, my mind and my being, wholly. I've struggled with Body Dysmorphic Disorder for years. The exact cause is unknown but it might be associated with
genetics – you may be more likely to develop BDD if you have a relative with BDD, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or depression
a chemical imbalance in the brain
a traumatic experience in the past – you may be more likely to develop BDD if you were teased, bullied or abused when you were a child. Parents or others who were critical of the persons appearance.
Coupled with my C-PTSD, severe depression and anxiety, it has been a long, arduous process to acceptance and recovery.
If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies... How different would our ideals of beauty be.
I wake up every morning reminding myself that I'm thankful to be alive, because I remember how it feels to be disappointed to be alive.
I wake up every morning thankful for the incredible people in my life.
I wake up every morning reminding myself to be thankful of all the things my body has done and can do for me. All the places it allows me to go, events it allows me to experience and the strength it has given me to endure even the most difficult of circumstances.
People are only doing what they know. Not that that is an excuse or a justification. It just might help someone else understand better. It's not usually about you, but about them. In this industry/world that seems to be designed to bring people down, let's be different. Let us empower each other. Lift each other up. Celebrate our differences.
I'm blessed that my worth is rooted in Him. Solid and unshakable. I am who You say I am. So thank you, Mr. casting agent for reminding me of the tremendous progress I have made. Thank you for reminding me of why I continue to speak up and do the work that I do.